Today She Was Difficult

Today she was difficult. Maybe the first day of her life that she was truly testing my patience and capability. She screamed a lot, and I think she’s feeling frustrated by how much she wants to walk freely but afraid to leave us, clinging to our legs and necks whilst pushing us away in the same breath, then screaming because neither is where she wants to be. Now she’s asleep in her bed and our house is silent save for the shush of the baby monitor echoing in our bedroom. Today was rough but I already know how much I will miss this. Wishing for bedtime whilst wishing I could hold her just a minute more because in a few days she will be one year old and her babyness will fade a little more with each sleep. I think we’re going through the same thing together in this way. The wanting the way it’s always been, the wanting what’s next. My baby isn’t keeping. They told me it would be this way, but I didn’t know it would feel like this.